World Love Triangles
A compendium of generalizations by Ahmad Avaz
Two men are in love with the same woman.
What happens in different countries around the world?
A young fellow webcams his friend, another man, about the beautiful blogger girl who refuses to reply to his messages. The friend hears all this then secretly sends the girl an Instant Message. They have a discreet webcam affair, hiding it from the first young man, whom the girl continues to ignore. After much work, the young man hacks the girl's account and discovers the treachery but falls in love with her all over again after seeing her webcam archive. He contacts the girl and lies to her that his friend hacked her password and gave it to him. She refuses to webcam with the friend any longer, calling him a "webcam traitor." The three do not communicate for five long months then run into each other on a webcam dating forum.
Two married men are both desperate to touch the voluptuous woman who enters the elevator every day with them at the same time while going to work. They sneer at one another and she laughs a haughty laugh at them both. Married men, she laughs in their faces. The two men fight a duel with swords and wound one another terribly. The voluptuous woman is not impressed. From their wheelchairs, the two men see her at the cafe with a young male model. She feels his thigh under the table.
The woman is an academic who is discreetly approached by two fellow academics. All three are old friends, all divorced at least twice. Both men write to her by hand; long, beautifully crafted letters that explain their intentions. She writes back with equal grace and proposes to entertain each gentleman on alternate Saturday evenings. All three find it a very civilized and satisfying accommodation and agree that this is why Britain had once conquered the world, the ability to rationally compromise to everyone's benefit.
The three of them meet at a cafe and begin talking. They joke and discuss politics and philosophy and drink several bottles of very nice wine together. All three go back to the woman's place and enjoy themselves thoroughly without jealousy or drama. Afterwards, they all see one another casually and become very good friends and confidants. And that is why France is the most civilized place on earth.
The two men argue and curse each other bitterly. They agree to wrestle for the hand of the stunning young woman, who is the barmaid at their favorite tavern. Their hand-to-hand combat builds into a family feud. It grows into a neighborhood brawl, which attracts eager participants from miles around. The woman finally has enough waiting for an outcome and moves to California where she marries a wealthy movie producer. The two suitors become the best of friends and drinking partners. They entertain each other while repeating crude jokes about the woman.
The trio discuss the situation then agree to approach a government agency that provides counselors who offer advice about this sort of issue. A schedule of dating is carefully negotiated without a single raised voice. The girl is very happy because both men are good lovers in their own way and as well as good fathers and the arrangement gives them all plenty of time to pursue the various causes they are passionate about.
The young woman is the daughter of a powerful politician who is also police chief and the biggest drug dealer in their town. The two suitors are the sons of other powerful cartelistas. The three of them become bargaining chips in a far-reaching political blackmail scheme involving El Presidente's inner circle and top officials from the American drug war agency. Many henchmen and peons must die by pistol and machinegun before one of the cartelista sons marries the young woman, while the other will be her occasional lover, sealing the multi-party pact.
In The United States:
The woman marries one of two men pursuing her while having an affair with the other. Six months later she divorces the first man after discovering he is secretly a Republican. She marries the second but continues to have sexual relations with her first husband, who is an exciting lover despite his political beliefs. She divorces the second husband after another six months have passed. She leaves both men and moves to Berkley where she marries a mature and responsible woman. She becomes the host of a popular cable TV program about the failure of male-female relationships and shows millions of female viewers that all non-gay men are dogs.
And finally, in Iran:
As always, only money solves the problem. The girl's parents consult with family and friends then choose the suitor who is wealthier and better connected. The defeated lover agrees to marry her older and less attractive sister.
Ahmad Avaz is a writer and humorist who attended university in the United States. He lives in Tehran where he teaches English.